Elephant Poo Coffee Is The Most Expensive Coffee in the World!
It’s no longer good enough to drink coffee that’s just grown on a bush, harvested and roasted, oh no. Why do something as simple as that when you could, say, whizz it through an elephant’s digestive system, wait for it to land in a gooey heap and then drink it?
Supermarkets have entire aisles just dedicated to coffee and the world is drinking more coffee than ever. They say that necessity is the mother of all invention and when the Black Ivory Coffee Company needed a gap in the saturated coffee market, well, they certainly invented one.
Getting elephants to chow down on raw coffee cherries isn’t that easy (oh you thought I was joking about elephant poo?) and when they take it upon themselves to do so, they chew like your mother taught you to; properly. So the coffee cherries get pretty mashed up before heading to the digestive system, making them defunct for our purposes.
When a coffee cherry does make it intact to the digestive system, the flavouring finally takes place. Elephant intestines have knack for breaking down the proteins found in coffee and it’s those proteins that give coffee its bitterness. So each whole coffee cherry that makes it past the gnashers gets its proteins broken down and god knows what else done to it in the intestines before passing…err…out.
After said elephant has wandered off, leaving a steaming pile of turd behind it, the dedicated chaps at the Black Ivory Coffee Company then sift through this aromatic delight and pick out the now uniquely processed coffee cherries.
Not only can only whole coffee cherries be used, elephants are not often litter trained and have an annoying habit of dropping trou wherever they please. This means that the workers have to find the poo before they can find the digested yet whole coffee cherries. Thanks to this extraordinarily inefficient logistical nightmare, it requires a huge 33 kilograms of coffee cherries to be consumed by an elephant to produce just 1 kilogram of elephant poo coffee.
This makes it really, really expensive.
That’s shit, you say
Well that bad pun was unnecessary but actually this coffee isn’t a totally fruitcake idea. Black Ivory Cof- oh let’s just call it Elephant Poo Coffee – this coffee is smooth and lacks the bitterness of almost all other coffees. It’s seriously, stupidly expensive but you know what? It’s actually pretty nice.
Also it’s not just a bizarrely laborious process for a bit of fun, the elephants involved are those at the Golden Triangle Asian Elephant Foundation in Thailand and a small percentage of the profits go towards the elephants’ care.
Plus, according to some vets, the caffeine isn’t absorbed and the coffee consumption doesn’t adversely affect these mammoth creatures. Elephants, basically, couldn’t give a shit.
All right I’m keen for elephant faeces, how expensive are we talking?
We’re talking $1,100 a kilo.